Day 327: Thankskilling

Thankskilling

Let's talk turkey

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Even if you're not an American, Happy Thanksgiving. As is Thanksgiving tradition, today we post on Facebook about what we're supposedly thankful for and then take part in the American tradition of eating too much. This is followed by going to stores and trampling people to buy a flat-screen television for $20 cheaper. If I'm thankful for anything, it's that I have loyal readers that enjoy reading my reviews. If it wasn't for you, I would have stopped doing this a long time ago.

There are plenty of holiday-related horror movies that have come out over the years. We have Halloween, April Fool's Day, Black Christmas, My Bloody Valentine, New Year's Evil, and Easter Bunny Kill! Kill!. Soon, we're going to have to make movies about smaller holidays like Arbor Day, President's Day, and Flag Day. The one major holiday missing from the list is Thanksgiving. The holiday itself doesn't seem to lend much to a horror story. It's not a religious holiday and is spent mostly eating and watching football. Terrifying to a select few, but it's not a lot to work with. When the double feature-length movie Grindhouse hit theaters, it included previews of other fake horror movies such as "Machete" and "Don't". One of those previews was Eli Roth's "Thanksgiving". That was the closest thing we had for a Thanksgiving horror movie until a few kids took some initiative and made their own Thanksgiving-themed horror movie.

Lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllladies

Thankskilling is a 2009 independent horror movie written, produced and directed by Jordan Downey and Kevin Stewart. A group of five friends head home from college on their Thanksgiving break when they run into car trouble. The group includes Johnny the jock, Kristen the good girl, Darren the nerd, Billy the redneck, and Ali the slut. They decide to camp out for the night and Darren tells them the story of a killer turkey, creatively named Turkie. During the first Thanksgiving, a powerful Native American shaman created the murderous, filthy-mouthed Turkie to kill any white people in it's path during the time around Thanksgiving. Kristen thinks she sees Turkie in the woods, but the rest of the group laugh her off. Turkie, is in fact in the woods and kills the dog of a vagrant named Oscar The Hermit. Oscar swears revenge and tries to track down Turkie. As the group makes their way home, Turkie follows by hijacking a car. He kills Johnny's parents and (sigh) has sex with Ali before snapping her neck. He then kills Kristen's father and wears his face as a mask. The group makes it to Kristen's house where they are unable to see through Turkie's disguise as they look for a book that may help defeat the evil bird. Will they be able to stop Turkie before it's too late?

The creators of Thankskilling dub their movie "the ultimate low budget experience" and boy are they not lying. The movie was made on a shoestring budget of about $3,500 plus a small investment from a distribution company. I can't fault the movie for having little money to work with and I truly do applaud two young filmmakers for having fun and created the film they wanted to make. What I can fault them for is making an unfunny movie. I'm sure this will chap a few asses from the chattering internet-class, but I barely laughed throughout the entire movies. A few chuckles here and there, but nothing really stood out to me as being genuinely hysterical. Some will claim that the movie has a "so bad it's good quality" and sure, I can see that, but I don't agree with it. Turkie itself is just a cheap demented-looking plastic puppet. I wasn't expecting anything special and they delivered. The 12 year-old in me still finds cursing funny, but their comes a point when Turkie just says filthy words just because. It gets old and forced very quickly. Some of the jokes are non sequiturs or have no segways, as if they come out of nowhere. For every half-funny joke, there are about 15 that are not funny at all.

I almost feel bad criticizing the movie, like calling double-dribble on your dog during a game of basketball. I can look past the nonsensical story, I mean, fine a talking turkey that kills people. I've seen crazier things. For all it's ridiculousness, the plot doesn't bother me. The story itself doesn't make much sense and their are some forehead-slapping scenes throughout. I couldn't believe they actually showed the turkey puppet raping Ali. It wasn't funny and really made me dislike the entire movie. To my surprise, the acting is actually passable for such a low-budget film and the direction is fine. There is plenty of violence and blood with a few good kills here and there. As far as horror villains go, Turkie isn't that bad. He's a remorseless killing machine with a sick sense of humor. I suppose it's better than a non-talking killer turkey.

This picture broke my brain

Thankskilling would fit in perfectly with the Troma family of insane movies like Poultrygeist, Dumpster Baby, and Butt Crack. It's cheap and ridiculous which is perfect for some people. Not me, though. I found a lot of the jokes unfunny and sophomoric. Maybe surrounded by drunk friends making fun of it would have made it more enjoyable, but that wasn't the case. What I'm thankful for is that the movie was only about an hour long. The killings are decent and there is a good amount of blood. The jokes aren't too funny and the turkey rape-scene still bothers me. I thought the necrophilia scene in Masters of Horror: Haeckel's Tale was bad, but this may equal it. If you're looking for something crass and full of nonsense, you may actually enjoy Thankskilling. Beyond that, what can I tell you? It's a movie about a killer turkey puppet. What do you expect?

2.5/10